The second most asked question of me is “Where did you come from?”
The first being “What’s wrong with you?”, a product of an extremely sick and boundaryless sense of humor.
I can still feel the cold of the linoleum floor of the hospital emergency room on my face. Just a few months into my adulthood, this is where I lay. It was completely silent, the way it is in the movies when something really bad happens and you’re surrounded by a swirl of events that you know involve you, but you are just an observer, a silent partner in reality.
As the nurses piled out of the room where my baby lay cold, none of them able to make eye contact with me, just rushing out, crying, hands over mouths, I lay dying.
This is one of the main reasons I believe wholeheartedly in drugs. They shot me in the ass and I woke up sometime four months later.
The course of the next decade was a series of thrashing and crashing, they always depict the phoenix rising from the ashes gracefully and triumphantly, I looked more like Chris Farley making a passionate point, but just the same, I rose mutherfuckers.
Not to say that I ever got my shit together, I didn’t, and I don’t plan too, but I am happy, and it took a very long time to be. Having your shit together is completely overrated and I am pretty sure it’s what is making the world suck.
That’s how this journey started, yes, of course, I came from my momma and she made me the way I am too, but really, that person died that day, and I was left to pick up every piece of a shattered heart, assemble it into something that resembled a heart, and move on.
I had no idea that it would take so long, or that my heart would end up more beautiful and strong, but somehow it did, and it has so much room for so many in it.
I do remember the cold. I will always remember the cold of that floor. Just when I start to feel like I am not happy, I remember what unhappiness is. When life seems like it is too fucked up, I remember what being fucked feels like.
When my heart breaks, I remember that day, I remember that floor, and I pick up the pieces and I put me back together, and that is where I come from.